Monday, July 23, 2007

Eavesdropping On Glen Mason's BTN Interview

What follows was leaked from a very inside source. This is a conversation that you likely would have heard had you been lucky enough to get entrance into negotiation talks between the Big Ten Network and Glen Mason. As I'm sure you are aware, our former gridiron leader has a new gig with the Big Ten Network.

Big Ten Network: So, Glen, what can you bring to the Big Ten Network?

Mediocre Mason: Clearly, guys, I have a record. I’ve competed in the Big Ten. And if it weren’t for that damn Metrodome, I probably would have won a Big Ten title. The Metrodome really hurts recruiting, you know.

BTN: That’s a debatable point, Glen …

MM: Recruiting is even tougher now in Minnesota, with the open-air stadium on its way. Kids don’t want to play outside a climate-controlled facility.

BTN: Glen, you’re not the Minnesota coach anymore, there’s no need for excuses.

MM: Right. Sorry.

BTN: Anyway, we’re more interested in what insight you can give viewers.

MM: I can give color commentary from a coach’s perspective. If a team has a big lead in the fourth quarter, and is punting inside its 20, I’ll be able to relay from experience what the punter should do in the event all hell breaks loose.

BTN: Undoubtedly you have a good sense of the Minnesota program, but the others?

MM: Ohio State was going to hire me before they went the popular Division 1-AA route to hire Jim Tressel. Lots of programs are going the no-name coach route these days.

BTN: Sounds like a pot-shot at Tim Brewster.

MM: Not at all. Timmy will do fine if he can circumvent the tough academic standards at the U.

BTN: Hasn’t that theory been debunked?

MM: It’s hard to recruit at Minnesota.

BTN: OK, Glen. As a color analyst or in-booth guy, you’ll be a member of the media. But you seem to have a certain disdain for the media. How will that work?

MM: I have a record of being open and personable with Minnesota fans. They didn’t call me PR Glen for nothing. The media loved me. Ask Sid Hartman.

BTN: They called you what?

MM: PR Glen. You know, because I did a yeoman’s work pumping up the media and public at large. The Minnesota media and fan base loved me. Honestly.

BTN: How will you react if you are calling a game and the student section offers up a “Fire Tressel” chant?

MM: I’ll give them a cursory glance. Then I’ll probably run quickly to the AD’s office to drop off my resume.

BTN: What were some of the high points of your tenure in Minnesota?

MM: If you didn’t notice, I installed one of the most high-octane running attacks in the country. We put up 424 rushing yards against Michigan and 411 against Wisconsin. That’s good work for one Saturday afternoon.

BTN: Didn’t you lose those games?

MM: I didn’t lose those games. It was bad luck. It’s not my fault. Look at the numbers. I’m God’s gift to football. I know it and, well, I know it.

BTN: What was the best part of being in Minnesota?

MM: The $3.6 million stipend I received on my last day didn’t hurt.

BTN: You have any reservations about accepting a job with us?

MM: Not really. But don’t expect miracles. This is a new network. It will take time to build this program up. I am God’s gift to broadcasting. But I can’t work miracles with a program that has no record of success. Expect mediocrity for about 10 to 20 years. In the interim, don’t be surprised if you hear my name bandied about at CBS or ESPN. I’m coveted. It’s my personality, I think.

BTN: We’ll let you know, Glen.


Chris said...

This was absolutely hilarious!

Mark said...

agree with what Chris said, though the Mason responses are eerily believable...